Just Kidding...

... match graciously renewed my membership for me on my behalf so it looks like the fun continues.

I got into an interesting conversation with a random married man, age 38, at the bar last night. Public House, actually- my favorite weeknight place to avoid reality. He was extremely adamant about trying to understand why on earth I joined match.com. This back and forth continued for a good 45 minutes, while my friend sat next to me gleefully entertained.

He simply couldn't grasp why someone "so outgoing and beautiful" would ever join, and what exactly it was that motivated me and what I looking for. When I tried to explain to him the fact that I am not actively seeking a life mate, and thought it might narrow down the city of Chicago based on my pool of specifics, he simply didn't buy it.

Why is it so hard for some guys to understand there are in fact successful, attractive young professionals out there, who don't feel like they need a life partner? I barely have enough time for myself as it is, which is why, 11,000+ profile view and 700+ emails later, I've only gone out on legit dates with three of the guys I've initiated communication with on this site.

I didn't join this site because I can't meet people on my own. I think this is one of the most commonly misnomers of the site in general. This guy was basically baffled. Some people need match. Others dont. For me, it was just a way to see things from a different perspective, and in all actuality I have.

About six weeks have gone by since I first joined, with the intention of finding a version of my ex, that basically has everything I loved about him, plus all the things that forever seemed to be lacking in my mind. I was set on this. Preppy outgoing active social world traveler who likes the finer things in life, but who is honest, sexy, active in the community and social organizations, who can make me laugh, makes me awestruck with my respect for them, and someone who I actualy have a connection with that goes much deeper than beyond the surface. Anyone can get dressed up and go to dinner. Likewise, anyone can lounge around on the couch when you're hungover and eat pizza. I had a hangover buddy and social partygoer for three years, but that doesn't cut it when you want to live a life of passion, energy, and emotion, not just going through the motions of a relationship.

With that said, I entered this internet world with specific intentions- to find what I was looking for. Ironically, after 45 days, I haven't looked for anything, and out of the thousands of people that have in one way shape or form reached out to the profile, photos, and description of my Match persona, I've found myself asking myself again and again, is this someone worth meeting, just for the sake of good conversation? Is this someone worth meeting in general? Is this someone that might bring out a side of me that I didn't know existed before? Who is this person?

And as I've begun to ask myself these questions as I scroll though pictures, profiles, stories, and online personas of these other people, I too have begun to ask the same questions of myself... who am I? What is different from the person I first depicted when looking for that list of characteristics, to the person I've beginning to uncover, to the person I actually aspire to be? And how and when does someone else fit into that equation?

You see, what my friend at the bar last night failed to realize, as do many other men and women on the endless quest to find their other half, is that although life is a process, when you are still in a process of becoming the best version of yourself- a process that sometimes lasts a lifetime,  its hard to find your perfect match. The only thing I'm actively seeking right now, is creating a life of my own, that I could not be happier or prouder of. I'm not looking for someone else to define that for me, which is why at so many points along the road, I felt trapped in someone else's life. And to be honest, I think many, many people, are weak enough to want just that- to settle with their counter part's ideal simple life, at any cost to ever seeking their own.

I, on the other hand, refuse to settle. And what I mean by that word, isn't finding the most educated, high paid, eloquent, social and outgoing world traveler. I'm not talking about what's on paper. I'm talking about how someone makes you feel. I refuse to settle, because my life is mine, and call it bitchy or egotistical, no one deserves to be a part this life I've worked my ass off for, unless they are deserving. I'm not looking for someone to give me the life I've always wanted. I'm doing that for myself. But maybe one day, if I'm lucky, I'll happen to meet someone who has done the same, and respects me for that. In the meantime, I have no problem being the single socialite I am, because quite frankly, I have no problem being 28, and staying home alone sometimes catching up on TV and relaxing.

Its safe to say, however, this has been an unexpected learning process that has challenged me not only to look at myself, but also re-evaluate some of the things that actually do matter- many of which can't be found on a profile or in a picture.

Match, on.


(some more interesting reading material on this topic)
http://www.ivydate.com/blog/the-end-of-marriage/

Transitions

So, its pretty unbelievable, but its been 30 days since I started this blog, and joined match.com. I'm not too sure where all the time went. I probably spend a few days just reading emails from match-ers but it seems like in a blink of an eye that month came and went.

So last night I went on, lets say, my second official Match date with someone who I was genuinely interested in meeting. I must say there is something strange about this process, when it seemingly works like it should... but you are left thinking, what If I like him, and he doesn't like me? We met for sushi in Old Town (by his place, which in hindsight was kind of duche-like) but had some good chit chat and even better wine and sake. I would not say it was the best date I've ever been on, but I felt comfortable. There were things about him that reminded me of my ex, which kind of bothered me, but there were also things I liked about it. At the end of the day, he seemed like a genuine, decent, yet somewhat cocky guy who tries too hard to be funny and probably thinks too highly of himself. But for the most part he was normal, and I would totally go out with him again. 

Today is the 11th hour. I only signed up for a month memebership, and have been toying with the idea if I should renew or cancel. As much as I complain about how shitty this site is and how genuinely strange 90% of the people on there are and how reading and responding took over my life for a while, part of me was tempted to bite the bullet and stay on. I thought maybe if I changed up my profile, and made it private, maybe I could experience match in a different way.

One big hang up I've had this entire time, is, even if I met Mr Right, I'm not in a place personally, where I could be Ms Right, too. Lately I've found myself turning down invitations with some of these random people because, quite frankly, I'm not the person I want to be right now. I feel like I'm still going through my own life transitions and am not armed for the battlefield of love, just the one of wine. When I signed up it was more to see what was out there, but the thought of actually being in a relationship totally freaks me out. I'm happy to go out with and meet new people, but this whole process seemed like a whole lot of work, that inevitably could pay off, but right now just seems like a whole lot of risky nothing.

So you know what I did this week? I did something for myself. I joined a new cycling studio a few blocks away, and since then instead of hours of emailing, I've spent most of my freetime on a stationary bike, and I couldnt be happier. Instead of spending hours staring at a computer screen i actually have been accomplishing something, and it feels great.

And something else happened. In looking for something else to do with my time I stumbled upon an upscale matchmaker who was looking for an assistant to help her do some recruiting. In meeting with her tonight, I kind of felt this line of work would be a piece of cake for me. We talked a bit about online dating, and it was interesting that I saw this opportunity as being the perfect transition out of the past 30 days. Its Match.com without the .com. I see some good things brewing on the horizon.

I'm not against being on Match, and honestly, I will probably go back on. I feel like I have enough numbers, friends, people, and myself to focus on for even just a little while. Maybe if I actually meet all the people I somehow gave my number too, and things come up dry, I try again.

I think this should be an intersting next chaper that I'll obivously continue to document. I mean, I have a lot of mystery men programmed into my phone that I need to start dating.

Match gives me a headache.

Literally.

And I can't decide if its because I'm tired of squinting at the messages and toggling from email to profile, or if its my hangover. In either case, I honestly am losing patience and even more quickly losing interest to the degree I just sit and delete people if I look at their picture and decide they aren't worth meeting. Or responding to. I have stopped paying attention to profiles, because honestly, they all say the same thing.

But you know what doesn't give me a headache? Straightforwardness.

In one email today, some guy asked me to do something specific- Sushi tomorrow night at a specific place. And I said yes. It was that easy. No hassle. No headache. Why don't more people try THAT approach? I be they would be much more successful. To be honest, I can do without the back and forth emails. Most of the time, they just make me realize how boring, non-witty, and dull you are. If you can get my attention, without some cheezy desperate attempt, but just because you sound cool, great. Lets go have sushi. Or if you are attractive enough, and ask me to do something specific, I probably won't turn you down.

I'm starting to wonder how may people actually read through all these profiles, and more so, how effective or important a profile really is. They are basically there to grab your attention, and then you forget about it. Isn't that what looks do? Get the initial attention? Then its substance that keeps you interested? I'm finding a lack of substance in general, and just a lot of unnecessary fluff.

Slightly nervous for my dinner date tomorrow- but maybe this guy will change my perspective of this whole thing. If he was smart enough to figure out how to snag a Saturday night date with a stranger, he's at least worth talking to. Can't be that bad... can it? Too bad Excedrin can't cure awkwardness. Only vino does, which ultimately only equals more headaches.

At this point, I don't even know what day it is....

Somewhere around day 10 or 11, my shock and frustration got the best of me, and I couldn't even bring myself to write about this anymore. Lets just say the few times I have chosen to "put myself out there" have been terrible. Well, maybe not terrible, but pretty freaking bad. No, they were terrible. So much, I decided to take a break from looking at match, or responding to anyone, to just take a moment to digest and sit back.

I'm starting to think my stereotypical assumptions about the majority of people on this site, are true. A lot of these people have no people skills, or at least some serious problems, that hiding behind a screen can help us describe. Lets be honest, we are all perfect on paper. Anyone can seem like a dream boat behind a perfectly orchestrated selection of qualities, traits, hobby, and photos.

I'm also starting to realize everyone is looking for the same thing. Someone who's fun, to explore the city with, who likes to get dressed up to go out but can also spend a night at home. HELLO? Isn't that what we all frickin 'want? The difference sets in if you're cool and have a personality or if you're dull as a doornail.

I don't even know if its worth my time recapping in detail the past few match encounters I've had, so I'll just share some cliff notes.

1) After a 2 hour IM conversation at 10pm, I agreed to meet DJ at a college bar near UIC where, at midnight, we engaged in life meaningful conversation while Keisha was blaring and 18 year olds were spilling their drinks in plastic cups on me as they got them from the bar. This guy is 30? No wonder he's on match. Fail.

2) I thought I would expand my horizons last week and meet up with a Dr who is new to the city, I was completely unattracted to, but offered to take me to the Symphony as he was the doctor on call. I thought why not, perhaps we can have some enlightening conversation and it might be nice. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone just for the sake of a new experience. While the music was nice, and the wine after was good, his company was awkward. So, I basically left my date with him and went to go meet....

3) Another guy I had been emailing who again, on email, thought might be a hit. Similar backgrounds, educated, not too bad on the eyes, world traveler, he even seemed kind of preppy. We had a great email exchange. I thought, maybe, just maybe, this could be a good match. What is with these losers who are just basically incredibly socially awkward? I mean, again, I'm not perfect, but after a few glasses of wine, anyone can be entertaining... or at least have something interesting to talk about. Fail (x2 that night)

4) I went out last night to watch the bears game with some friends, and basically told someone who had been trying to meet me for a drink to "swing by" in an effort to keep things casual with friends. I dont even think I can type about this one without getting frustrated.  Not only did he swing by, order drink's on my friends tab, and then tell me about how many children he hopes to have, I asked him politely that  we should probably meet some other time, as this wasn't really the type of environment to have life plan conversation, and he wouldn't leave. Even after I asked him to. And told him I wasn't interested.


Now, I don't get it. Am I doing something wrong? I honestly don't understand how I'm ending up with all these crazy people. No wonder people find a "match" on here... because between all the weirdos they go out with by the time they finally find someone normal, they seem like a match made in heaven.


Part of me may be bitter at this point, I had a rough weekend. I starting to question what I even want right now. Maybe it really is just time to focus on myself for a while... Maybe while I'm out there being myself, the right person will just come along, because right now I feel like I'm wasting my life away looking for that person on a computer. And on that note, I'll sign off for now. Cheers.

Day Nine: Old School

Wednesday, September 28th


Quick birdseye update. 8 days. 12 hours. 
And so far...

Emails: 271

Winks: 390

Profile views: 1119

Profile Photo view: 3208


Earlier this week when I managed to find some down time, for my own sanity I attempted to empty out and either delete or sort through my ravaged inbox, and at least try and respond to some of the people who seemed worth communicating with. Four hours later, I felt like I had climbed Mount Fuji, and that match life was once again manageable. Clean slate. Out with the old, in with the new. 36 hours later, 52 new unread messages. sigh.


Part of this is starting to stress me out. Its completely self induced stress. I don't need to keep up with this. I dont even need to read through these messages or pay attention to the winks. But, what if he's out there? What if he is one of those messages? And how am I supposed to be able to figure that out unless I not only read all of them, but look through each of the profiles and photos of the senders?


I'm starting to see two distinct groups of people trying to get my attention on match, that I have actually begun to communicate. There are emailers, and there are text/IMers. I can easily differentiate these two groups for you. Over 29- emailers. 28 and under? text/IMers. I think there are pros and cons for both of these types of communications. The emailers seems serious. I've gotten life stories followed by an invitation to have dinner anywhere in the city. Tempting. Then I have the younger guys shooting the shit with me all hours of the day, saying hi, or asking to meet up for a game at the bar. I neither like nor dislike, its just interesting, and I think it points out a certain mentality and maturity and intention.


Enough with me complaining about all these messages (although it seems to be one of the predominant gripes of my experience thus far) lets talk more about a few of the people who have actually gotten my attention now that PilotB is flying around the country until next week.  I'll start with my favorite and move down and have included their profile headlines from match.


1) D4BJ- "DAMN, i couldnt find a pic of me in my fav Ed Hardy shirt"
A trader who is currently working evening shifts. And since they tend to be boring, we began our IMship. He is 28, an ex college athlete, but is not on facebook, which I highly respect. (unless he is hiding from his past) We started chatting, and after what seemed to be a very fun, lighthearted and fluid conversation, we realized we had even more in common. He, too, just went through a breakup and his ex moved out, and over jokes and some good laughs we found a truly common ground. It was like the old school AIM convos. Strange talking about life with someone you never met via screen. He is going to FL this weekend by himself for what seems to be a much needed vacation. (jealous) I feel like our personalities mesh well from the shit we give eachother on IM. For example as I'm writing this he sent me a link about beer tasting- something not necessarily up my alley. We have tentatively planned a trip to Boston this fall, that is, if we ever actually meet.


2) Rebs321- "When life hands you lemons, just say 'screw the lemons' and bail."
Born and raised Chicagoan, but only 25. I give him credit because he is training for the Marathon in two weeks, and I promised him a fresh mix of some new running tunes. Our main communication thus far has been texting, but he flaked at a potential brunch date last weekend. Needless to say, I got him back for canceling our plans tonight. He lives in lakeview :( which is negative points in my book. Downtown people? Hello? Looking forward to meeting him, am a bit skeptical, but cut enough to overlook it. I mean, he can't live in Lakeview forever, right? He's only 25.


3) LegalGuy20- "When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself."
Hmm, heavy. Maybe the most serious of these guys, after a series of emails, we realized that not only do we live in the same area, we live in the SAME BUILDING. He's on floor 20. Maybe that will be his new nickname. lol. He found it surprising he had "not seen me before" thats because I'm usually late for work, and I usually look like shit except when I'm heading out on the weekends, and many of the weekends this summer, I was barely even home. He seems nice, but a bit stuffy and by-the-book type, but what do you expect from a lawyer? I don't think he's my match made in heaven, but I think it would be nice to make a friend in the building to grab a drink with, or order in some food. I also kind of canceled on him today too. Oops. Our next tentative date is in the laundry room.


4) TravelDude- The only thing this guy hasn't done is end world hunger. Even I'm intimidated by him. Which is why we have a date Saturday. I'll save the details for after that.


So the progress is slow and steady. All in all, I'm starting to think this is a good distraction, as long as I keep it a distraction and not my new life motive. This is just the surface of some other interesting things that are brewing, but I'll wait and share those with you tomorrow ;) For tonight, thats all, folks. 

Day Eight: The First Date

Tuesday, September 26 2pm

I finally sobered up enough to write todays post. When I got to work this morning, I could barely keep my eyes open because I was up until 3am last night finishing the bottle of wine I opened the day I started this blog. And, appropriately, I finished it with on my couch with none other than PilotB- the reason I got caught up in this to begin with.

First, may I please point out, I have never been on a blind date, much less, met up with someone I began communicating with on a website expect to sell a ticket off craigslist. The only thing I could potentially compare "blind" experience to in my life was the one time I promised some guy, while slightly intoxicated, that I would be his date to his birthday party the next night at level, and had to hide across the street when I called his cell to tell him once I was there, because I had no recollection of what he looked like and needed some indication when he walked out of the bar. Yes, this happened.

Going into this "situation" last night my head was more than clouded. In the 6 days that have passed since I last talked to B, I have received, read and responded to hundreds of profiles and emails from Match bachelors. Hundreds. So, needless to say, when I got his text yesterday asking if we were still on to get together before he flew out for the week, I hesitated, and said "sure". But I wasn't sure. In my head, I asked myself, what if this is a huge mistake? Between the hundreds of pictures, texts, ims I had been innundated with, that initial excitement, and flat out interest, had somewhat faded in the shuffle. Guys seemed cuter, smarter, wittier, more successful. What if he is totally weird and a huge looser? What if he thinks he's totally funny, but in reality, he's just socially awkward?

As I sprinted to the gym for a last minute workout in denial that I was actually about to go out with this guy, I sent a text asking what he felt like doing. When his recommended a hole in the wall bar down the street, I think that may have been the point that panic, fear, and regret set in. Between rushing home from spin class and somehow get showered and ready in 40 minutes I didn't even have time to be nervous. But, when I was finishing my makeup and he sent a text saying he was on his way, I could feel my heart start to race, and my stomach sink. This was it. Go big or go home.

So, I pop a xanex. This could potentially have either been the best, or worst, idea. I'm still deciding.

I get down to my lobby and there he is. His picture, in 3D. He's wearing something pseudo hipsteresque- tight light grey pants, which I kind of dig, a black and grey striped v neck, and a black jacket. He's smaller than I imagined, but kind of perfect in a way. I walk up to give him a hug, and.... he reaches out his hand. Awkward.

So we start walking, no destination in mind, in the misting rain. We chit chat about our neighborhoods, he tells me he doesn't quite know my area area quite well. (really? River North?) My worry about how awkward this night might be sets in further.

But it wasn't. Its always a good sign when the conversation is so fluid and constant that your waiter keeps coming over to take your order and you have not looked at the menu because you're lost in what you're talking about. This is how the rest of the night continued. We were probably two of the only people left in the restaurant come the time we finished, and I honestly was enjoying myself so much, I didn't want the conversation to end. So what else is there to do than head back to my place?

There was some drinking, there was some talking, there was some pandora... some standing on my balcony. I'm still not quite sure why, but something about the whole thing made me feel strangely comfortable. Blame it on the two glasses of wine and the Moscow Mule I had on our date, because I'm not quite sure what gave me the comfort level for eventually inviting this stranger into my apartment. That first night that we talked, we on the phone for 2 hours, and he made some joke about the experience of feeling like we were in high school. To be honest, that sums it up pretty well. There was something innocent about the late night high school phone calls, just as there was something innocent and awkwardly wonderful about kissing him for the first time. There was also something about the entire situation that seemed strangely creepy. Like, is this person really who he says he is?

All in all, I would say my first Match date was a success. I could have done without the hangover today, but this was definitely the confidence boost I needed to get this ball rolling for bigger and better things. And by bigger, I don't mean 43 year old divorced guy with two kids from Wilmette, who keeps asking if he can take me to club Paris.

What a warm up. Bring it.

Day Seven: Faces

Monday,  September 25th

Its been a few days, because after last week, I needed a break from the reading, messaging, and evaluating. I needed time to actually live my life. Aside from a stiff neck, I've noticed something substantial change in me within the last week since engaging with this site (that I constantly struggle to differentiate between a blessing or a curse).

Suddenly, when I walk down the street, I look at people's faces.

Strange, I know. Now, I can't tell you when I stopped doing this, but the only thing I can attribute this to, is the fact that over the past week, I have sat and stared at photos, trying to decide a) if I should respond to this strangers email, b) if I potentially might have chemistry with this person and c) what this flat image might actually translate to in real life.

Call me superficial, call me whatever you want, the truth is, I've spent more time looking at faces  lately, than I have actually skimming through the 40 something emails I get a day. I read a few sentences and then look at photos. Are they all head shots? Does this person actually have friends? A family? Its crazy what you can take away of what someone values just by glancing through the photos they choose to put up. Its a snapshot not just of someone's face, but of their life. I feel like I've acquired a skill for quickly evaluating the difference between someone trying to prove something, and someone just sharing a glimpse of their non virtual world.

And, while I still think this experience is utterly strange, awkward, and confusing, I was shocked at myself as I make eye contact with strangers more and more in my daily life. I dont know if its because I'm trying to recognize them from the 5,000+ photos I've seen lately, or if merely, I'm just used to looking at someone in a deeper way.

I think for a long time throughout the past ten years, I developed a habit of avoiding eye contact with other people. And not just strangers. I'm not exactly sure why. And when I do. I usually try and look away as quickly as possible. Whatever the reason, its a refreshing change that I'm actually aware and suddenly dialed in to the people around me. With this new skill of locking eyes, maybe I'll actually meet someone in person, and not just on a screen.